Shark Bait - 2022 - Malta

Shark Bait - 2022 - 5/10 

 
Oh, and Spring Break had been going wonderful.
Last night, the drinking, dancing, I even slept with my best friend’s boyfriend!
Well, we were drunk, so it doesn’t count, no matter how many times we did it.
Then, this morning, we borrowed two jet skis.  OK, stole, but we were having fun.
Until we started playing chicken, and wrecked them both, in the middle of the ocean.
Now, this nasty shark keeps picking us off.  Honestly, you’d think it would be full.
My skin is all sunburned, I’m wrinkled, what if someone realizes I’m not twenty?
I only have four more lines left in the script.  So unfair.
This is the worst Spring Break in the history of forever!

Exterior Night - 1993 - USA

Exterior Night - 1993 - 6/10 

 
Outside his window, an earlier world beckons.
Steve puts himself into the black and white cityscape, follows the bluesy “Déjà Vu”.
Gangsters, nightclubs, Pulp writer Biff Farley, a mysterious package, the sidewalk shooting.
And the canary, whose face has troubled generations of his family.
Steve is soon enamored by a blonde songbird, who had been haunting his dreams.

 
Caught in a recurring timeslip, Steve tries to sort a buried family mystery.
Borrows from The Purple Rose Of Cairo (1985), and will be great for Noir fans.

The Hairdresser Mysteries - 2026 - UK

The Hairdresser Mysteries - 2026 - 5/10 

 
Lily opens a retro shop in a new town, along with best mate Clara.
They arrive, and murders soon begin – which she has a talent for solving!
Mysteries in this are bland, poorly written and uninspired.
Prime example of stale formula and bad writing.
Cast seems alright.  The entire creative team ought to be replaced.

The Botanical Avatar Of Mademoiselle Flora - 1965 - France

The Botanical Avatar Of Mademoiselle Flora - 1965 - 6/10 
AKA - L’avatar Botanique de Mlle Flora

 
Flora is having a one-sided affair with a soldier.
He wants someone to cook, wash his clothes, buy his cigarettes, listen to him kvetch.
In short, he wants a maid – or his mommy.
Flora wants romance, would be fine with mattress action.
Settles for indoor and outdoor gardening.
Bernadette Lafont, fetching in A Gorgeous Girl Like Me (1972), vengeful in A Very Curious Girl (1969), is enticing here as the frustrated minx.

Human Lanterns - 1982 - Hong Kong

Human Lanterns - 1982 - 6/10 
AKA - Ren pi deng long // 人 皮 燈 籠

 
The rich man, wanting to defeat a rival spendthrift, hires the lantern maker.
Who, as we find out, makes shades from fleshy sources, of which there seem to be plenty.
Our protagonists are vain and boastful, whereas the villain (Lo Lieh) oozes diabolic charisma.
Weak as ever, I root for the baddie, just as hard blondes have ever snared my interest.
Shaw Brothers shocker has swordsplay, horror, scheming, murders.
Grisly midnight gem.

Mario Cantone: Laugh Whore - 2005 - USA

Mario Cantone: Laugh Whore - 2005 - 5/10 

 
Standup routine before a sympathetic audience.
Catone jabs his Italian upbringing, mocks a bit of current events, kicks the South.
His impersonations are first rate:
Streisand, Hepburn, Stanwyck, Rivers, Cher, Oprah, etc …
Mostly gay icons; I am unsure whether he is being ironic or venting hostility.
His is not respectful homage, he skewers and ridicules.
Snarky comments mask envy and resentment.

Beyond The Poseidon Adventure - 1979 - USA

Beyond The Poseidon Adventure - 1979 - 4/10

 
The capsized liner from 1971 ain’t sunk yet!
Arrive, the jackals and hyenas … uh … salvage boats and profiteers.
The two sides, each declaring to help, soon help themselves.
Until greed takes over.
Inept, cheap sequel (more a remake) wastes a huge cast in boring disaster film.

Hold Me While I’m Naked - 1966 - USA

Hold Me While I’m Naked - 1966 - 5/10

 
“The only things in life worth living for.”
The fantasies and restrictions of the indie director.
From encounters behind stained glass to shaking antennas to banal mealtime.
Experimental film manages to be sexy, funny and depressing.

Der Bomberpilot - 1970 - Germany

Der Bomberpilot - 1970 - 5/10 

 
Near the end of the Third Reich, the cabaret trio keep performing.
After the war, they struggle together and independently to find work.
Pastry shop, stenographer, one seeks a position at a retirement home for dogs. 
Eventually, they reform as a cabaret trio, reviving their old act for Yanks.
Audio is out of sync (deliberately), numerous wardrobe malfunctions.
Tone ranges from comic to ironic to jeering.
English subtitles = https://sub-scene.com/subtitle/3373033

Smashing Time - 1967 - UK

Smashing Time - 1967 - 5/10 

 
Two young Northern birds arrive in Swinging London.
Fame and glamor beckon, until they realize they have been robbed.
They manage to get “hostessing” jobs, but success continues to sidestep them.
English slapstick seems like a mad cousin to the “Carry On” films.
Terrific cast, crazy 60’s look, yet everything is too much.
No real meat, while everyone tries so very hard.

Black Dynamite - 2009 - USA

Black Dynamite - 2009 - 7/10 

 
Combat vet, and ex-agency operative, returns to street action after his brother is killed.
Who ya gonna trust?  Pimps, drug dealers, government honchos?
Everyone is victim, everyone is guilty in no-holds-barred parody / homage.
One doesn’t need to be fluent in Blaxploitation flicks, but it wouldn’t hurt.
If nothing else, check out Shaft, then Dolemite.
Laugh out loud funny throughout,  and the “look” (16mm) is vintage gold.

Tiger - 2013 - Poland

Tiger - 2013 - 5/10 
AKA - Tygrys

 
She may look human to us, but she is the cat of the house.
Territorial and fiercely protective.  Her human is HER human.
Woe to any other female who encroaches on her home.  Or mates with her male staff.
Olszańska eerily emulates the feline, although the short borders on objectification.

The Hidden - 1987 - USA

The Hidden - 1987 - 6/10

 
Los Angeles cops have their hands full with a spree murderer.
Mild mannered citizen, only he is now a raging killer.
After an onslaught of bullets, the perp is taken to hospital, where he is expected to die.
He expires, except what possessed him jumps.
An alien body jumper, with a taste for Ferraris, automatic weapons, and carnage.
Enter an FBI agent, knowledgeable about the quarry, in whatever host.
Wild SciFi, Horror, buddy cop flick, years ahead of its time.

San Francisco - 1968 - UK

San Francisco - 1968 - 6/10

 
Experimental film by Anthony Stern dashes through every nuance of the Bay city.
Police, hippies, military, office workers, day time, night time, everyday activities, orgiastic happenings.
Flits through neighborhoods like a dragonfly on amphetamines.
The pace is frantic, fueled by an early version of Pink Floyd’s “Interstellar Overdrive”.
Cuts are so dizzying and blurry, you might wish you had dropped Owsley’s acid.

Rose Of Nevada - 2025 - UK

Rose Of Nevada - 2025 - 6/10 

 
Thirty years on, the self-named ship slips into port.  Abandoned.
A skipper appears who will pilot the craft, yet they need a two man crew.
Enter the visiting stranger, and an impoverished local.
Who step into the shoes of the lost crew … in more ways than one.
Rugged film does not flinch from the realities of fishing.
Unexplained elements are fine, although the plot grows repetitive.
Overall bleak tone along the lines of Bait and Enys Men.
English subs = https://sub-scene.com/subtitle/3372674

Allelujah! - 2018 - UK

Allelujah! - 2018 - 7/10 

 
Old and in the way.
Oldsters in the geriatric wing of the Bethlehem Hospital, the Beth.
They are, excuse me, taking up space.
Oh yes, the Beth is profitable, but the bed turnover is too low for Whitehall.
Births, injuries, and surgeries come and go, but old folks only go once – at their end.
Alan Bennett play is funny, biting, sad, and, for anyone who follows the NHS, uncomfortably accurate.

A Scene At The Sea - 1991 - Japan

A Scene At The Sea - 1991 - 7/10 
AKA - あの夏、いちばん静かな海

 
Deaf trash collector, Shigeru, finds a broken surfboard on his route.
He clumsily repairs it, begins trying to master the waves.
Along the way, he picks up a girlfriend, Takako, also deaf.
For aspiring surfers, this film is encouraging.
Shigeru falls over and over and over, yet he persists.
To the point where he does improve.  Never world class, but that’s not the point.
Low-key Takeshi Kitano film.
English subs = https://sub-scene.com/subtitle/3372673

The Healing - 2012 - Philippines

The Healing - 2012 - 6/10 

 
Seth takes her dying father to a tiny village where a miraculous “healer” lives.
The results are astounding.
So much so, that ailing friends and neighbors demand she take them. 
The next time, something is different.  The healer is tired, but they insist.
Back home, miracles.  Then … a dark reckoning.
Philippines supernatural, with a whiff of earlier Hong Kong horrors.
English subs = https://sub-scene.com/subtitle/3372672

Blue Rita - 1977 - Switzerland

Blue Rita - 1977 - 5/10 
AKA - Das Frauenhaus

 
Blue Rita is the name of the club and the proprietress.
Serving a clientele of the sophisticated and jaded.
It is also a place where Blue Rita and her lesbian operatives capture and torture spies.
Extorting information and bank accounts.
Absurd Jess Franco flick is awash in nudity and Pop Art.
Interesting camera work and angles, although I suspect a targeted porn audience would grow bored.
English subs = https://sub-scene.com/subtitle/3372671

Stella Blómkvist - 2017 - Iceland

Stella Blómkvist - 2017 - 6/10 

 
Stella is supposedly a lawyer.  Maybe she is the courthouse once.
The rest of the time, she acts like a private eye, along with a lot of alcohol and sex.
Three two-part episodes, mostly of risqué behavior of Iceland’s rich and powerful.
Prime minister beleaguered, rich kids terrorized, Chinese influencers.
Scenery underutilized and not enough to tempt armchair travelers.
OK enough mysteries, but none meriting a rewatch.
Heida Reed (Stella) looks and walks like a runway model.

Volcano - 1997 - USA

Volcano - 1997 - 5/10 

 
I think there were two volcano disaster flicks in ‘97.
Both equally silly.
Here, activity is occurring in the Los Angeles sewers.
Ain’t no colony of alligators neither.  Nor is it the long heralded “big one”.
Tommy Lee Jones hams his way throughout.
Formula script, characters behave like a party of squirrels.

The Whispering Shadow - 1933 - USA

The Whispering Shadow - 1933 - 5/10 

 
Aforementioned crime lord remains unseen, yet murders by radio waves (and TV for those few early adopters).
Nevertheless, he, his henchmen, and a whole mess of extras pursue the Czar’s jewels.
Mascot serial is cheap across the board: plotting, direction, logic, characters, action.
Bela is the best thing in it, and the main reason to view.
If you suffer insomnia, watch to help you kill another night.

Murder In Orléans - 2017 - France

Murder In Orléans - 2017 - 6/10
AKA - Meurtres à Orléans

 
During the annual festival, the female playing Joan of Arc is murdered by crossbow arrow from 100 yards.
Ha!  That ought to narrow down suspects.  I mean, that takes skill, right?
The victim was beloved by all, well, maybe not.
Detective duo is son-in-law / mother-in-law combo.  C’mon, really?
Hither and yon, interrogate and theorize, sniff the home life.
Contrived mystery will hold interest, although afterward one might think, “Hey, did them say contrived?”

The Woman In Red - 1935 - USA

The Woman In Red - 1935 - 6/10

 
Professional horsewoman meets amateur polo player.
Shelby works for rich Nicko, who is territorially possessive about Johnny.
Dressage, polo, stables, investors.
Nouveau riche vies with impoverished aristocrats.
I wonder if this had been a spicier Pre-Code a year earlier.
Stanwyck solid as ever, Raymond boyishly handsome, but bland.

The Full Monty - 1997 - UK

The Full Monty - 1997 - 6/10  

 
The glory of Sheffield, mills closed, men out of work.
Available jobs akin to “want fries with that?”
Gaz and Dave steal scrap, lose scrap, trying to earn a pittance.
When they see a poster for a male striptease act, they decide to offer a local version. 
Aside from one, these are not model specimens.
Unpleasant, uncomfortable comedy is laugh out loud and sad.