Zombeavers - 2014 - USA

Zombeavers - 2014 - 5/10

 
College students (resembling 30-year-olds) head to the cabin by the stream.
Unaware that toxic waste has spilled into the waters, turning shy, mild-mannered beavers into –
Omigod!  Zombie beavers!  Ravenous for flesh.
Luckily, our intrepid sextet (mind the first half of that word) take shelter in a cabin made of wood.
Chomp, gnaw, chomp, gnaw, chomp – oh, no!  Beavers can chew through wood?
Horror romp has more gags and jokes that nail, rather than duds.
Stick with those credits, likewise a snazzy outro song.

Souleymane’s Story - 2024 - France

Souleymane’s Story - 2024 - 7/10
AKA - L'Histoire de Souleymane

 
Souleymane is a Guinea refugee trying to get asylum status.
Between an ill-paid gig as a food delivery guy, he takes lessons on how to present himself as a political refugee.
Truth to the point, he has dependents back home, and he is an economic migrant, which nations are declining.
He is cheated throughout, underpaid, lied to, harassed, racing through Paris traffic.
Abou Sangaré is amazing in the title role.  The film is uncomfortable.
I live in the barrio and witness this often.  Neighbors gently shoo these folks along.
Desperate people do desperate things, as told to us by local police.
English subs = https://sub-scene.com/subtitle/3373304

The Colony - 2026 - S Korea

The Colony - 2026 - 6/10 
AKA - Gunche // 군체

 
As in ant colony or hive mentality.
An embittered young scientist infects the elder who appropriated his research.
The infection grows exponentially, turning victims into zombie like mutations.
Periodically, they share a colony update, learning.
Fast-moving S Korean film, as frantic as Train To Busan, but not as fresh.

The Golden Bowl - 1972 - UK

The Golden Bowl - 1972 - 7/10 

 
Ex-pat Americans live in luxury in Europe.
Affluent, they catch of eye of aristocratic Euro mercenaries.
Including a cash poor prince, who marries a naïve Maggie.
Maggie’s best mate Charlotte, marries Maggie’s father.
We suspect, long before our American friends do, that the prince and Charlotte share an intimate relationship.
Superb adaptation of Henry James’ layered novel.
This may prove too slow for many, yet deception takes time to be exposed.
Avarice, opulence, innocence and experience.

A Thousand Pleasures - 1968 - USA

A Thousand Pleasures - 1968 - 5/10

 
After killing his wife, Richard heads to the coast to dispose of her body.
Enroute, he picks up two female hitchhikers – who turn out to be lesbians with “baby fever”.
Richard is kidnapped and subject to humiliation, in order to get his baby makin’ juice.
Good luck there, ladies, as another female, Anna, is a plus-sized nymphomaniac.
No mercy for the murderer in sleazy grindhouse sexploitation.
Pulp dialogue such as, “the delicate pink lining of the chasm of love…”
Audio commentary meanders and is never pertinent to the onscreen “narrative”.
English subtitles = https://sub-scene.com/subtitle/3373035

The Big Country - 1958 - USA

The Big Country - 1958 - 6/10

 
Retired sea captain heads West.
His fiancée awaits, as does a feud between his in-laws and some outlaws.
The conflict, water rights.  Big deal in cattle country.
Uncontrolled testosterone precipitates fighting, which the sea captain declines.
Several times, action is imminent, only to defuse.
The musical theme is the best thing in overlong, plodding soap opera.

Night Shift - 2024 - USA

Night Shift - 2024 - 6/10

 
Best friend Darcy is heading off to Ivy League.
Cheryl, meantime, is stuck in a dumpy diner, filled with immature horn dogs.
Until Feral Cheryl, snubbed-dubbed by schoolmates, is befriended by a leather clad stranger.
Before she gets clawed outside the town’s recreation alley.
Afterward, beware the full moon!
English subtitles = https://sub-scene.com/subtitle/3373034

Suggs: My Life Story - 2018 - UK

Suggs: My Life Story - 2018 - 6/10

 
Madness frontman and ordinary bloke, Suggs, before an intimate crowd.
Part remembrance, part recreations, some music hall, and a search for a missing father.
Enjoyment might depend on how familiar one is with Suggs, Madness, 80’s music, Thatcher England.

Kiss Me Deadly - 1955 - USA

Kiss Me Deadly - 1955 - 7/10 

 
Sleazy detective Mike Hammer picks up a near nude hitchhiker.
The pair are soon kidnapped, the female tortured to death, Hammer almost killed.
Police and Feds advise the two-bit divorce PI to back off, and he knuckles down. 
Hard hitting, two-fisted Noir, one of the very toughest.
Meeker is the definite Hammer to whom all others are measured.
Singled out by a Federal Commission as the #1 menace to American youth.

The Bird With The Crystal Plumage - 1970 - Italy

The Bird With The Crystal Plumage - 1970 - 6/10 
AKA - L'uccello dalle Piume di Cristallo

 
Sam has writer’s block, so he heads to Rome with his English model girlfriend.
After witnessing and intervening in an attempted murder, he foolishly “gets involved.”
Sam begins investigating on his own.
So much so, that the assassin warns him, and threatens his English bird.
Does he listen?  Please.
Argento debut film is a tour de force, bristling with style and flourishes.

A Blueprint For Murder - 1953 - USA

A Blueprint For Murder - 1953 - 6/10

 
Uncle Cam hurries to the hospital where niece Polly is critical.
Doctors are baffled.  Then Polly recovers, only to die by dawn.
Just one of those sad things, I guess.
Until Cam’s friend, a pulp mystery writer, speculates about strychnine.
Sure enough.  Stranger still, Cam’s brother, Polly’s dad, had also died mysteriously.
Suspicion falls on the widow, the second wife, who stands to inherit – once little Bobby dies.
More mystery than Noir, neither lead is quite believable.

The Time Travelers - 1964 - USA

The Time Travelers - 1964 - 5/10

 
Scientists devise a time travel view screen.
Only, mirroring today, it drains enormous power from the local utility.
Then, it shorts somehow, and become a transport portal … into the future!
2071, Earth a wasteland after a nuclear war.
Mutants on the surface, remnants of civilization underground.
Although a cheesy B-film (borrowing from The Time Machine, it is thoughtful, and the ending imaginative.

War Of The Worlds - 1953 - USA

War Of The Worlds - 1953 - 7/10 

 
“Everybody understands when you wave the white flag, you wanna be friends.”
“Hey, there! Open up!”
So declare the local welcome wagon trio in California.
Who become the first victims of a full-scale Martian invasion.
Exciting 1950’s SciFi is an effects powerhouse and remains thrilling decades later.
Not exactly faithful to Wells, but frighteningly close to Hawking’s predictions.

I Was A Teenage Werewolf - 1957 - USA

I Was A Teenage Werewolf - 1957 - 5/10 

 
Troubled juvenile delinquent Tony is ordered to visit a psychiatrist. 
Dr. Brandon uses hypnosis regression to ascertain the root of Tony’s anger.
And gives him an experimental drug to stimulate his primitive side.
Low-budget, B horror was a staple with Teenage Frankenstein for years.
Not particularly scary (there is more running around than killing). 
Watched as children, my brother and I dissected it, but found it OK.
Even today, this is more fun than bad.  One of Landon’s favorite roles.

Probability Factor - 1976 - France

Probability Factor - 1976 - 6/10
AKA - L'ordinateur des Pompes Funèbres

 
Maybe she wasn’t always like this, but one doubts it.
Fred’s wife is a chronic nag, harridan, shrew, bully, making his domestic life hell.
At work, the insurance company, he is a computer engineer, processing risk via numbers.
Such as, how many ways might his wife die at home?
Idle fantasy, until Fred’s secretary, Charlotte, takes advantage of – ahem – a position.
Sexy French comedy of Fred making the right choices, then the wrong ones.

Murder, He Says - 1945 - USA

Murder, He Says - 1945 - 6/10

 
Pollster Pete ignores misgivings and heads to the Fleagle farm.
Where a colleague had disappeared, and the folks are downright hostile.
Right quick, Pete is in a mess of trouble.  Beaten, horsewhipped, tied up, questioned.
Where’s the money? – What money? I just got here. – Where’s the money?
Fast-paced mystery / comedy set in the Ozarks, gives MacMurray a lot of room.
The real find is Jean Heather, career on a streak, before the accident.

Shark Bait - 2022 - Malta

Shark Bait - 2022 - 5/10 

 
Oh, and Spring Break had been going wonderful.
Last night, the drinking, dancing, I even slept with my best friend’s boyfriend!
Well, we were drunk, so it doesn’t count, no matter how many times we did it.
Then, this morning, we borrowed two jet skis.  OK, stole, but we were having fun.
Until we started playing chicken, and wrecked them both, in the middle of the ocean.
Now, this nasty shark keeps picking us off.  Honestly, you’d think it would be full.
My skin is all sunburned, I’m wrinkled, what if someone realizes I’m not twenty?
I only have four more lines left in the script.  So unfair.
This is the worst Spring Break in the history of forever!

Exterior Night - 1993 - USA

Exterior Night - 1993 - 6/10 

 
Outside his window, an earlier world beckons.
Steve puts himself into the black and white cityscape, follows the bluesy “Déjà Vu”.
Gangsters, nightclubs, Pulp writer Biff Farley, a mysterious package, the sidewalk shooting.
And the canary, whose face has troubled generations of his family.
Steve is soon enamored by a blonde songbird, who had been haunting his dreams.

 
Caught in a recurring timeslip, Steve tries to sort a buried family mystery.
Borrows from The Purple Rose Of Cairo (1985), and will be great for Noir fans.

The Hairdresser Mysteries - 2026 - UK

The Hairdresser Mysteries - 2026 - 5/10 

 
Lily opens a retro shop in a new town, along with best mate Clara.
They arrive, and murders soon begin – which she has a talent for solving!
Mysteries in this are bland, poorly written and uninspired.
Prime example of stale formula and bad writing.
Cast seems alright.  The entire creative team ought to be replaced.

The Botanical Avatar Of Mademoiselle Flora - 1965 - France

The Botanical Avatar Of Mademoiselle Flora - 1965 - 6/10 
AKA - L’avatar Botanique de Mlle Flora

 
Flora is having a one-sided affair with a soldier.
He wants someone to cook, wash his clothes, buy his cigarettes, listen to him kvetch.
In short, he wants a maid – or his mommy.
Flora wants romance, would be fine with mattress action.
Settles for indoor and outdoor gardening.
Bernadette Lafont, fetching in A Gorgeous Girl Like Me (1972), vengeful in A Very Curious Girl (1969), is enticing here as the frustrated minx.

Human Lanterns - 1982 - Hong Kong

Human Lanterns - 1982 - 6/10 
AKA - Ren pi deng long // 人 皮 燈 籠

 
The rich man, wanting to defeat a rival spendthrift, hires the lantern maker.
Who, as we find out, makes shades from fleshy sources, of which there seem to be plenty.
Our protagonists are vain and boastful, whereas the villain (Lo Lieh) oozes diabolic charisma.
Weak as ever, I root for the baddie, just as hard blondes have ever snared my interest.
Shaw Brothers shocker has swordsplay, horror, scheming, murders.
Grisly midnight gem.

Mario Cantone: Laugh Whore - 2005 - USA

Mario Cantone: Laugh Whore - 2005 - 5/10 

 
Standup routine before a sympathetic audience.
Catone jabs his Italian upbringing, mocks a bit of current events, kicks the South.
His impersonations are first rate:
Streisand, Hepburn, Stanwyck, Rivers, Cher, Oprah, etc …
Mostly gay icons; I am unsure whether he is being ironic or venting hostility.
His is not respectful homage, he skewers and ridicules.
Snarky comments mask envy and resentment.

Beyond The Poseidon Adventure - 1979 - USA

Beyond The Poseidon Adventure - 1979 - 4/10

 
The capsized liner from 1971 ain’t sunk yet!
Arrive, the jackals and hyenas … uh … salvage boats and profiteers.
The two sides, each declaring to help, soon help themselves.
Until greed takes over.
Inept, cheap sequel (more a remake) wastes a huge cast in boring disaster film.

Hold Me While I’m Naked - 1966 - USA

Hold Me While I’m Naked - 1966 - 5/10

 
“The only things in life worth living for.”
The fantasies and restrictions of the indie director.
From encounters behind stained glass to shaking antennas to banal mealtime.
Experimental film manages to be sexy, funny and depressing.

Der Bomberpilot - 1970 - Germany

Der Bomberpilot - 1970 - 5/10 

 
Near the end of the Third Reich, the cabaret trio keep performing.
After the war, they struggle together and independently to find work.
Pastry shop, stenographer, one seeks a position at a retirement home for dogs. 
Eventually, they reform as a cabaret trio, reviving their old act for Yanks.
Audio is out of sync (deliberately), numerous wardrobe malfunctions.
Tone ranges from comic to ironic to jeering.
English subtitles = https://sub-scene.com/subtitle/3373033