Harbinger Down - 2015 - USA

Harbinger Down - 2015 - 6/10

 
Alright horror B-film, unremarkable yet solidly done with a stone faced adult cast.
Arctic crab-fishing boat hauls aboard an icebound chunk of metal with a beacon of sorts.
It's a Soviet space probe from the 1980's, with dead cosmonaut inside.
While the crew returns to crabbing, one of the passengers (a science type) decides to dissect the corpse.
Sure enough, there is an alien stowaway who escapes into the darkness of the ship.  Then - dinner!
Plot borrows heavily from dozens of films.  The Thing, Alien, Life ...
The hungry critter, which grows rapidly, reminds one of the crawling chaos.
Predictable, with a couple twists, and the acting corps, led by Lance Henricksen, is sturdy.

Hammer Horror: The Warner Bros Years - 2018

Hammer Horror: The Warner Bros Years - 2018 - 6/10

 
Nicely turned documentary on a disappointing period for Hammer.
The 70's, when they partnered a distribution / financial agreement with Warners.
Hammer’s prime was past, though the influx of cash did not hurt.
Nor did Warners (apparently) interfere with them very much.
Nonetheless, their Gothic look, costumed horror yarns grew out of step with the times.
(Edgier competition included Night Of The Living Dead, The Exorcist, Texas Chainsaw Massacre.)
Excellent, passionate narrators.  The films, so-so. 

The Autopsy Of Jane Doe - 2016

The Autopsy Of Jane Doe - 2016 - 6/10

 
An unidentified female corpse is found in a gory home invasion slaughterhouse.
The sheriff, spooked by her, nonetheless hauls her to the coroner.
Coroner and assistant, father and son, begin to examine the nude,
Junior, by the way, passed on his hot girlfriend's offer of wet lovin' to help ole Pa.
Pezhead.
Straight away, the body indicates shattered bones under unbruised skin, mutilations, mysterious items nestling in the torso.
The radio goes haywire, overhead lights flicker, do the men notice?
Naw, they are too busy examining the naked girl.  And neither seems to have ever viewed a Horror flick.
While eerie at times, most of you gentle readers will experience déjà vu with this.

The Tomb - 2009

The Tomb - 2009 - 5/10

 
Man ... I just knew this was going to blow.
But I saw Wes Bentley, Michael Madsen, Eric Roberts listed on the box. How bad could it be?
Hot Ukranian babe (Sofya Skya wearing get-ups designed to showcase her gravity defying twins) conducts "research" on capturing souls of the recently dead.
Or slain.
Wes Bentley is the unshaven prof / fly who is lured into her parlor.
Blood, absinthe, and spawning round out this bucket fest.
If cut to 45" this would have been fine on the old Friday The 13th television series. Yawn.

Mausoleum - 1983

Mausoleum - 1983 - 4/10

At the cemetery, ten year old Susan wails as mom is being planted.
She runs off, eventually makes her way to a fenced, locked crypt.
Only thing, it opens up for.  She enters, ignores a passel of rats, hears the voice.
Turns out, she is a descendant of the Nomed family.
Twenty years later, now married and fabulously rich, the family curse awakens.
See, Nomed, if spelled backwards becomes … oh no!

 
Growed up Susan gets flirty and frisky with men, only to put the death spell on ’em.
A truly awful movie, I watched with keen interest throughout.
Clearly, producers were trying to emulate Italian horror (Argento, Bava, Fulci).
Tinted lenses, oddball characters, morphing monsters.
Casting a Playboy centerfold ensured nudity and softcore rompings.
Miss September cannot act.  To compensate, producers hired players who imitated tree stumps.
But wait!  What if the story is great?
Sorry, this is a howler.  Watching, I wondered if there was even a script.
Many times, I gathered filmmakers were making it up as they went along.
“Oh, how about we do this?”  “Ooh, yes, so cool.”
Nope, stupefyingly terrible.  In other words, sheer delight.

99.9 - 1997 - Spain

99.9 - 1997 - 4/10

 
Spanish film about paranormal radio host whose boyfriend goes to a ghost village.
One minute he's naked, running for his life, then dead.
Of course the female host packs her suitcase, hits the village, and begins questioning everyone in sight.
The title refers to the station radio dial, though if you are cute you could invert those numbers and get ... OH NO!
There were gaping loose ends and inconsistencies that ruined a pretty fair horror flick.
I docked this movie because, at the Toronto Film Festival, the director confessed there were aspects of the narrative that didn't interest him, so he dropped them.
Another wannabe Lynch, Suzuki, or Goddard (take your pick) who delivered a half baked film to viewers.
For gore hounds, mayhem was largely offscreen.
Though there was a sequence near the end, with the three females, the pit and the blood ... Ah, if only.

Mongolian Death Worm - 2010

Mongolian Death Worm - 2010 - 3/10

 
I found a bad movie in the aisles.
Seconds later, I saw Mongolian Death Worm, easily one of the most ridiculous titles ever.
“Choose me,” it whispered.  And the fool listened.
Terrible film, poorly acted, the worms were closer to giant grubs who dined on innocent humans and gangsters.
As always, gun shooting bad boys can't hit creatures as big as a truck.
There was a subplot revolving around Genghis Khan's treasure straight outta Romancing The Stone.
Where I was, within fifteen minutes everyone hit the exits other than me. And the cat. The cat fell asleep.
I would have given it less points, except there were lots of grubworms and they ate lots of meals.
In my book, any movie with carnivorous monsters ought to chomp dozens of humans like they were eating a sack of Long Pork Nuggets.

Pig Hunt - 2008

Pig Hunt - 2008 - 3/10

 
Half a million flicks available, yet I see this one on the rental shelves and go, "Hoo whee!"
Buncha pampered San Francisco yuppies go hunting for a 3000 lb porker in Northern California.
Our hero intends to take this man-killer down with his trusty crossbow.
Add a Dogpatch community of hillbilly rednecks, and a whole mess of ganja smoking, naked hippie chicks, and you have this future cult winner.

 
Warning #1 - Every human in this film is box-o-rocks stupid.
Warning #2 - Animal lovers, do not watch this movie whatsoever.

Zombiepura - 2018

Zombiepura - 2018 - 3/10

 
Oh, man, this is embarrassingly bad.
Within a Singapore military post, one of the soldiers catches the “zombie” virus.
Soon, almost everyone is infected, save for a handful to clueless survivors.
The humor is forced and juvenile, actiony bits play out over five to ten sluggish minutes.
Our main female is simply called “Beauty,” the soldiers are unskilled with weapons.
This film is a good 20-30 years behind the times.
I felt bad for the actors, trapped in this cinematic Titanic.
Another 1000 of my brain cells, RIP.

Enemy's Enemy - 1990

Enemy's Enemy - 1990 - 7/10
AKA - Fiendens Fiende

 
Excellent adaptation of Jan Guillou’s Carl Hamilton series.
Commander Hamilton, operative for Swedish military intelligence, is accused of being a double agent.
Rivalries between hostile police and protective military are heightened as the foreign service sends Hamilton abroad.
There are a series of small stories within the overall arc.  Location filming includes the Mid-East and Moscow.
Plenty of action, espionage, tentative alliances, and ethical lapses.
This is a spy thriller for adults.
Jan Guillou introduces each episode with a synopsis and insights.
(Guillou, should you look him up, has led an extremely interesting life.)

The Student - 2016 - Russia

The Student - 2016 - 7/10
AKA - (M)uchenik

 
Russian male student refuses to participate in high school swimming class.
Hauled before school administrators, he declares the bikini clad females are an affront to Biblical teaching.
What teaching?  His mother beside him wonders.  She works three jobs, they do not attend church.
No matter.  He carries the day and is exempt from swim class and girls are ordered to wear one piece suits.
Next, he escalates confrontations with teachers, his mother, priests, any who might buckle.
Unpleasant, uncompromising story of someone claiming moral authority to seize control.
Stage roots show after a bit, but acting is uniformly excellent.
I detested most characters:  the disrupter, the obsessed, the weaklings. 

The Bank Job - 2008

The Bank Job - 2008 - 6/10

 
Solid caper / heist flick starring Jason Statham.
Tucked in the cast were David Suchet and Mick Jagger (!! I had to go back and look for him).
Government types use a group of motley crooks to retrieve incriminating photos.
Double crosses, S & M, crooked cops, all make for a fast paced actioner.
Statham is good in this, not merely some running prop for explosives.
 

The Story Of Temple Drake - 1933 - USA

The Story Of Temple Drake - 1933 - 7/10

 
Southern belle, Temple, is the gorgeous granddaughter of the local judge
She is pampered, spoiled, and a wild thing.  Both her parents are dead.
Temple dates, parties, runs free.  To men, she is cocktease.  For everyone else, endless gossip.
Dashing from a drunken party, she's in a car crash out in the boondocks.
Rescue comes from bootleggers and gangsters.
Hard men, who know how to pluck a ripe flower.

 
Adaptation of Faulkner's - one might think unfilmable - "Sanctuary," still packs a jolt.
Audiences in the 30's must have been floored by this lurid, tawdry affair.
For yes, Temple's assault is only the beginning of her descent into the ways of the world.
The cinematography by Karl Struss, replete with dark shadows and slashed lighting, is stunning.

The Cloverfield Paradox - 2018 - USA

The Cloverfield Paradox - 2018 - 4/10

 
I suspected I would not like this, and fifteen minutes in I was rolling my eyes.
To be blunt, I don't care for Mr. Abrams.  To me, he is the Michael Bay of this generation, pandering to the LCD.
Anyway ...
Planet Earth has almost run out of energy.  Solar, wind, geothermal, nuclear, never panned out, I guess.
Science types construct a big ole generator up in space to power humanity.
Once tests begin, things go haywire.
The crew immediately holler, point and explode emotionally.  Sorry, no rational types aboard.  (sorta like airline cockpits where pilots point and scream, "What's that light?  We're gonna die!!  Mommy!! Mommy!!")
Crew members also run all over the station.  Hey, ain't space supposed to be weightless?  Reference Gravity or Interstellar or The Expanse.  Nonetheless, the producer obviously thinks running is cool.
The plot involves alternate dimensions and the "cloverfield" connection is garbage.
Reviews have been dismal.  Believe them.  I wanted something spacey ... and got space poop.

Hermann Goering: Nazi Number One - 2006 - Germany

Hermann Goering:  Nazi Number One - 2006 - 7/10

 
In depth biography of Reichsmarschall Goering, head of the Luftwaffe.
Childhood, member of Von Richthofen's Flying Circus during World War I, eventually the smiling, genial face of the Nazi party, the one the common folk could relate to.
Loaded with details:  his first marriage, his foot dragging regarding European war, morphine addiction, his retreat into dreams once the war soured.
A more ordinary soul, dishonest with sympathetic points, in the midst of clinical architects of the new order.
A wealth of his home movies were unearthed for this doc, which should pique the interest of history buffs.

Ladies And Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains - 1982

Ladies And Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains - 1982 / 2008 - 5/10

 
Obscure punk flick that played in a few theaters, then disappeared until 2008.
Young Diane Lane leads the Stains, a punk girl group, with Laura Dern.
The group begins ragged (not exactly the Runaways), improves as they lose credence, wind up glossy MTV icons.
A fading, headlining 60's group features Fee Waybill (The Tubes).
A rival opening act has Paul Cook & Steve Jones (Sex Pistols), and Paul Simonon (Clash).
Not a bad movie, though the background story of the film itself is far more compelling.
(http://nightflight.com/ladies-and-gentlemen-the-fabulous-stains-a-neglected-punk-satire-saved-by-night-flight/)

The Phantom - 2009

The Phantom - 2009 - 4/10

 
On the shelf, this film, which I just heard about, looked godawful.
Of course I grabbed it.
Turned out to be a two part mini series. Busted pilot that never got picked up.
Lots of mistakes for an action film. The action being mostly chases. Running, running, more running.
The main character was an irritating clone of Hayden Christensen's version of Anakin Skywalker.
The new uniform made him look more like a visitor from planet Womble.
Billy Zane tried to reboot this ancient strip back in 1996. His version was 70 minutes shorter than this runfest.
The Phantom, The Shadow, Flash Gordon, icons from the 1930's, have resisted modern updating.
OK sets.  Zzzzzzzz
 

Midnight In Paris - 2011

Midnight In Paris - 2011 - 8/10

Quietly dazzling film, where banality glides into fantasy.
Owen Wilson plays man out of step with his time, and of no value to his future in-laws.
When his fiancee’s old flame surfaces, Wilson prowls a bygone lane.
And finds himself stumbling into an inventive slip stream.
Literary in-jokes abound. and the MacGuffin conveyance is a wonderful touch.
Allen has done this before, notably The Purple Rose Of Cairo.
Slightly less accessible, perhaps, if you are weak on literary references.
More accessible, however, if 30’s homages from The Purple Rose Of Cairo perplex you.
Photography of Paris is ravishing.

The Mountain Between Us - 2017 - USA

The Mountain Between Us - 2017 - 6/10

 
All flights are canceled due to bad weather and approaching storm.
Undeterred, two very insistent travelers charter a prop plane because they are in a hurry.
Before one can say, "Hey, look at those black clouds," there is a malfunction and down they go.
Had the pilot filed a flight plan?  Had either passenger phoned home?  Ha ha.
Survival story of a man, a woman, and a dog, set amidst breathtaking Rockies.
The strangers are personality opposites, and yet there is a cliché about opposites.
Wait a minute!  You mean this is a romance story?
Do characters pluck along?  Find burnable wood?  Know how to make a fire?  Find shelter?
Acceptable premise, marred by ludicrous love story.  Unless L-O-V-E is your thing.

The Dog
Yeah, how about that canine?
The females I watched this with were distracted during the film.
"What's going to happen with that dog?"  "They better not kill that dog!"  "Omigod, the dog ran off!"
Me - "Look, two humans are half dead from starvation and hunger.  Not Fido, though, bounding all over the snow like that white stuff is cocaine."
Mr Dog, obviously not a method actor.

Mega Python Vs Gatoroid - 2011

Mega Python Vs Gatoroid - 2011 - 3/10

 
Cautionary tale of interfering with Nature, co-starring and co-produced by those acclaimed thespians
Debbie Gibson and Tiffany.
Quite awful CGI alligators and pythons, both the size of buildings, chomp it out.
Speaking of size, Tiffany put on a couple of pounds, most in the cleavage midfield.
When she appears, the camera seems drawn in by gravity.

Ex Monkee Mickey Dolenz shows up as ex Monkee Mickey Dolenz.
Viewers should also be forewarned of a couple of songs by our leads.

Note - At the counter, I excitedly waved this winner at the staff.
No one had heard of either Debbie or Tiffany.
Another "you're getting old" moment.

 

Festival! - 1967

Festival! - 1967 - 7/10

 
Document offers a nice sampler of the Folkie era at Newport from 1962 - 1966.
Almost all the major artists, and many less known, are given a song -- or part of a song.
This is not a history of the movement, but performance clips.
No pop music, though Joan Baez gives an impromptu "From Me To You" while signing autographs.
Dylan is acoustic, then electric with The Butterfield Blues Band, foreshadowing Monterey Pop.
Worthwhile, though dated and the lack of historical context is limiting.

Les Petits Meurtres d'Agatha Christie - 2009 - France

Les Petits Meurtres d'Agatha Christie - 2009 - 6/10

 
French adaptation of Christie's Hercule Poirot's yarns.
No fussy little Belgium in these, however.  His character is rewritten as Inspector Larosière.
Larosière is a ladies man, gourmand, elegant dresser, at ease with royals and commoners.
The stories, of course, are nasty pieces of murder, and everyone has motives.
For whatever reason, I never cared for Mr Poirot, finding him overly weird and mannered.
Larosière, for me, was more relatable.  There is also a Gallic charm in all of these.
These French versions are a fizzy counterpoint to more faithful, English productions.

Past Malice: Emma Fielding - 2018

Past Malice: Emma Fielding - 2018 - 5/10

 
Famed archaeologist, Emma Fielding, is persuaded to double check a dig at New England castle.
She finds ongoing robberies, the family curse, nasty murders, and a handsome FBI agent!
In fact, everyone is pleasant looking, in a waxed fruit manner.
Another of those never ending movies, spinoffs, in the "Murder, She Wrote" mode.
Bland, predictable, almost smarmy.  Read a book instead.  Or send someone a Hallmark card.
Oh wait!  If you do that, you'll help fund another one of these Hallmark movies!

Made In Dagenham - 2010

Made In Dagenham - 2010 - 7/10

 
The ladies of the Machinists Union go on strike against Ford in 1968.
Simple enough reason - pay inequality.
Lively goings on across the picket line and within several cash strapped households.
Strong cast (although most were young and attractive, even Barbara Castle), with sharp dialogue.
Worth remembering that women were perceived as second tier a scant 40 years ago.
Fortunately that has been rectified across the globe.

One Missed Call 2 - 2005

One Missed Call 2 - 2005 - 4/10
AKA - Chakushin Ari 2 // 着信アリ2

 
I bought One Missed Call 1 when it first came out.  It was OK, at best.
This was during the peak of dead wet girl films.
Part 2 offered less meals (victims), and the deaths lacked creativity.
There were a couple of rambling threads regarding the villain that went nowhere.
Predictable - formula - waste of time.

Warning - There is yet another sequel - 03, which is just as bad.
Even worse is the US remake which makes these look like masterpieces.
Avoid.  More for fools who have a taste for crap.  Guilty.