Kumiko, The Treasure Hunter - 2013 - USA

Kumiko, The Treasure Hunter - 2013 - 7/10

. . . Based on a true story.
So begins this unlikely quest as main character Kumiko obsessively views a worn VHS.
The film is a far-fetched documentary where, at the end, a suitcase stuffed with money is buried under snow near a fence.  The criminal marks the spot with a red ice scraper.  Then it is forgotten.
The documentary is the movie Fargo, and Kumiko is convinced the money waits still.  For her.
At age 29, Kumiko is an over-the-hill office girl.
Her boss wants her gone.  Her mother wants her to marry, get pregnant, or move in with her.
Instead, she flies to Minneapolis in the dead of winter and begins trudging north.

 
The Japanese section moves very slowly.  Kumiko is a social misfit, almost shunned.
Once in the States, she is also an outsider but is tolerated as a foreigner or turista.
Nevertheless, she is an isolated, driven soul.
And winters in the Dakotas are unforgivable.

 
Haunting film with unforgettable, stark landscape.
Kumiko’s story, by the way, was “inspired” by the urban legend of Takako Konishi.

Season Of The Witch - 2011 - Iceland

Season Of The Witch - 2011 - 7/10
AKA - Timi Nornarinnar

 
Troublemaker journalist is exiled from Reykjavík to Akureyri, northern Iceland.
He covers a missing dog, gets “man in the street” opinions.
Then starts to investigate the ugly murder of an actor wearing a witch’s robe with runes..
Later, he is asked to dig into an accidental drowning of an ailing woman.
Serbian gangs, an abandoned parrot, Iceland myths and gods, swirl in ever present snow.
Decent four-part mystery told from the newspaperman’s very droll point of view.
Bonus is plenty of rugged outdoor scenery, as well as historical tidbits.

Bittersweet Symphony - 2019

Bittersweet Symphony - 2019 - 5/10

 
Rising tunesmith lands a job to score a Hollywood film.
She hit some snags, and her agent sends a seasoned professional to mentor her.
The older artist is a California caricature, flighty, over-sharing, effervescent.
The younger version is narcissistic and seemingly blind and deaf to the tragedy at hand.
Amidst this, the family gathers in apparently sunny Wales for “Christmas.”
Most of the characters were contrived and irritating.
The songs, shoegazing and downbeat, sound like Stephin Merritt knockoffs.
Holiday fun?  Limited.

Ice Sharks - 2016

Ice Sharks - 2016 - 4/10

 
Polar outpost, studying global warming, finds itself besieged by thawed out prehistoric Greenland Sharks.
Less campy than most SyFy shark chompers, though viewers can guess who will bite it.
Characters often chat in shorthand jargon, so you don’t always know what they are discussing.
Like you care - - sharks ahoy!
Hey, and why / how did the writers and director forget about pegleg Sammy?

A Christmas Carol - 2018

A Christmas Carol - 2018 - 7/10

 
Superior adaptation of Simon Callow’s acclaimed one-man play.
With minimal sets (this could well be an abandoned, derelict warehouse), and the barest of sound design (occasional muffled voices, horse hooves, clock chimes), the focus is all Callow.
His voice, voices, are magic.  Expressions subtle, grotesque, tragic.
Not schmaltzy, either, but a taut delivery of Dickens’ classic.
If you cannot catch the show at the West End, this is as good as being there.

Better Watch Out - 2016 - Australia

Better Watch Out - 2016 - 6/10

 
Ah, the home invasion, what could be more Christmassy?
Parents away, intruders shuffle upstairs, but the kids are resourceful.
Sorry.  The trailer for this is extraordinarily misleading.
This is a stalking film, and is sadistic at its core.
The premise, a babysitter for a 12 year old?  Really? 
IMDB lists this as a comedy, and it should be hilarious for misogynists.
Someone was clearly venting their “girlfriend issues.”
The cast is great, though, and Levi Miller is unforgettable.

Kraftidioten - 2014

Kraftidioten - 2014 - 7/10
AKA - In Order Of Disappearance

 
Ice cold romp of revenge - revenge - more revenge, set in deep freeze Norway.
After the snow plow operator’s son is mistakenly killed, he sets out to kill those responsible.
One by one.
Foes include a pony tailed vegan and a gang of Serbs.
Film laced with the blackest humor, bleak and bitter.
Deserves a wide audience, though lack of teenage heroes or perfumed cleavage will dissuade the 10 watt bulbs.
Note:  Remade in 2019, Cold Pursuit, apparently for Americans who cannot read subtitles.

Død Snø 2 - 2014

Død Snø 2 - 2014 - 6/10
AKA - Dead Snow 2: Red Vs Dead

 
Once again, the cursed Nazi zombies sweep through remote Norwegian countryside.
Killing, then converting hapless villagers to increase their numbers.
From the States, the Zombie Squad arrives (three geeks - one with an intense Star Wars obsession).
Gory mayhem, putrid bubblings, steeped with a wicked sense of humor.
Film packed with laugh out loud grossness, and a climactic battle between Nazi zombies and Soviet zombies from the legendary battle of Kursk.
(Not necessarily the best film to watch while eating spaghetti.)

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale - 2010 - Finland

Rare Exports:  A Christmas Tale - 2010 - 6/10

 
Ho ho ho.
In Finland, US geologists / archeologists drill into something unexpected in the Korvatunturi mountains.
Animals are later found slaughtered, all the children are kidnapped.
They had accidentally unearthed the original Santa Claus, not the merry Coca Cola version.
The one from the locked histories, the one who devours children.
The grim winter monster with terrible appetites.
Needless to say, a dark film, set at night with difficult characters.
Not as much action or narrative thrust as I would have liked.
Enjoyable, but could have used more voltage.
Note: Most of the dialogue is in Finnish.

Tangerine - 2015 - USA

Tangerine - 2015 - 7/10

 
Looking for something different this Christmas?
Not that this is a holiday story, per se, but all events occur on December 24th in sunny Los Angeles.
Tranny Sin Dee has just been released from 30 days in county lockup and she is soon looking to kick ass.
Her boyfriend / pimpster Chester had been two-timng her with a young, blonde fish (natural borned female).
Film turns into a hilarious man ... wo-man ... fish hunt as Sin Dee, last name - wait for it - Rella starts busting down doors hunting for Chester and that fish girlfriend of his.

 
There’s a subplot of an Armenian taxi driver, with a taste for trannies, and a stream of skid row riders in back.
Side-splitting, rapid fire dialogue with an eye opening peek into transworld LA.
Geeks - whole thing shot on an iPhone!
Roaring fun, though not for everyone.  γνῶθι σεαυτόν

La Bûche - 1999

La Bûche - 1999 - 6/10

 
Days before Christmas, mother's second husband dies and gets planted.
Her daughters gather, attempt to reorganize the Christmas dinner, and begin arguing.
This is not about the season of good will, but relationships and histories.
γνῶθι σεαυτόν
Holiday lights and decorations aside, most of the sisters have "men problems" be they boyfriends, husbands, lovers, or dear old dad (Ma's husband #1).
Attractive cast, nicely photographed, but this is possibly more for French film connoisseurs.

Død Snø - 2009

Død Snø - 2009 - 6/10
AKA - Dead Snow

Dead teenager flick, though prospective meals are a tad older.
Two carloads of medical students follow a remote mountain road, exit, then hike to a cabin in oblivion.
Inside, they discover stolen Nazi gold.
Resurrected Nazi zombies follow soon enough.
Gorehounds, take heart.
Though outnumbered, the medical types, accustomed to bloody organs, can dish it out.

 

White Christmas - 2011 - S Korea

White Christmas - 2011 - 8/10
AKA - Hwaiteu Keuriseumaseu  //  화이트 크리스마스

 
Marvelous K-drama has nothing to do with Yule, aside from seasonal snow.
Elite high school for gifted or rich students only closes eight days a year for vacation.
Typically, every year a few students remain behind as their parents are “too busy.”
This year, each pupil receives a note accusing them of a despicable crime.
Of which, most appear to be guilty
Who sent the note?  Why?  And guilty of what?
This does not go the slasher route, though there are echoes of "Lord Of The Flies".
Stakes are perilous, future employment, life trajectories, so killings may be expected.
The premise is of monsters.  Are they born, or are they created?  Nature - nurture.
Intense psychological thriller, with outstanding cinematography and evocative music score.

Joanna Lumley's Trans-Siberian Adventure - 2016 - UK

Joanna Lumley's Trans-Siberian Adventure - 2016 - 7/10

 
Several notches above the usual travel documentary.
Actress, model, funny-as-hell, Joanna Lumley travels from Hong Kong to Beijing, into Mongolia, into Siberia, across the steppes finally reaching Moscow.
By rail.  Old-fashioned train.  During winter, of all seasons.
Of course the scenery is gorgeous, and she is permitted access to homes or palaces denied to most.
The doc does a nice job capturing the boredom, the tedium, the ennui of traveling 6000 miles on a train.
It also showcases surprise tangles or setbacks, common to all travelers, yet rarely shown on documentaries.
Lumley is an increasingly rare “guest,”  learning phrases, respectful, willing to sample foreign food or customs.
Those who appreciate these type of shows will enjoy Ms Lumley despite her often whispering narration.

Chris Tarrant Extreme Railways: Xmas Express - 2016 - UK

Chris Tarrant Extreme Railways:  Xmas Express - 2016 - 6/10

 
Another wintry alternative.
Tarrant, a grizzled alternative to upbeat, perky sorts (that I want to pitch off a cliff) tackles the Scandinavian rails in winter.
Yeah, better him than me.
OK, if you are into travel flicks, or even history, for that matter.
Mountains of ice and snow, but very little xmas.
Watchable - forgettable.
 

Kidnapped - 2010 - Spain

Kidnapped - 2010 - 4/10
AKA - Secuestrados

 
Reprehensible home invasion torture porn from Spain.
Three hooded thugs strike the home of a Madrid family.
Expect beatings, rapes, torture, killings, gore.
I would have scored this far, far lower, save for the lively hutong discussion that followed.
Everyone recognized mistake after mistake made by the victims.
An invasion is not a burglary or stickup.  Invasion is a death fight - always.
Audience members kept barking to the invaded, especially the father,  "Do this!  Do this!"
Most unpleasant film.  Consider yourself warned.

The Twelve Trees Of Christmas - 2013 - USA

The Twelve Trees Of Christmas - 2013 - 5/10
 
I was in the mood for a “different” Christmas film.
Something along the lines of Chupacabra Vs Baby Jesus Vs Salvation Army Santas.
This is out there, I just know it!  Or it ought to be.
Whilst I searched for holiday horrors, my bride waltzed in and loaded this winner.
 

 
Manhattan library is scheduled to be wrecked for swanky new condos!
Rather than phone Don Trump for advice, plucky librarian decides to save her beloved workplace with a Christmas tree contest!
Oh, and it just happens she lives in the same apartment as the billionaire owner of the library site.
Even better, he is young, handsome, and single.  Another Festivus miracle!
Will the library be saved?  Will love blossom?  Will that little girl take elocution lessons?
 
Note:  I was fairly bruised by the time credits rolled.
Because I kept asking questions and kept getting shoved, punched or kicked in reply.
“Her librarian character is single, thin, and straight?  All three?”
“Her apartment is huge!  With a view!  On a librarian salary!  Where can I get one?”
“Wait a minute.  Her boss, the head of the library, hooking up with the janitor?”
“Where are all the homeless people?  Street people, crazy people, bums?”
“What kids read real books?  Those kids don’t have smart phones?”
“Where did contestants buy their trees?  They must be 15 feet high, all of ‘em!”
“Look, Casper Van Dien!"
'Casper who?"
"Everyone fights, no one quits," I said and was ignored.
"Whoa, is that Scary Spice?”
Yes, it was.  Christmas treacle from the Lifetime Channel.  Caveat emptor.

The Children - 2008

The Children - 2008 - 6/10
 
Holiday jollies as Elaine and family visit sister Chloe and her family in the bucolic countryside.
Snow, merriment, laughter, rousing cheer, and the teensiest wedge of rivalry.
Oh, and sadly a few of the kids ill.
Wait a minute, why are the children waving knives?
 

 
And before you can ask what rhymes with dead, the snow is blood red.
Wicked "holiday" fare has its moments, but it is a nasty piece of work.
I must have missed 10% of the dialogue because the kids yelled and screamed nonstop in the background, like a bag of cats.
Speaking of cat - oh - let's not go there.
Some reviews have likened this to The Bad Seed or Village Of The Damned.
For me, the better connection would be Who Can Kill A Child?.

Snowpiercer - 2013 - S Korea

Snowpiercer - 2013 - 4/10
 

 
Opening credits reveal planet Earth reeling from global warming.
Desperate nations seed the skies with solar reflective clouds.
Before humans can say, ahhh, surface completely freezes over, life goes extinct.
Except - -  for one train!  Rolling nonstop, high speed, for seventeen years!
Passengers are all class based, think Elysium on rails.
Our hero is in back of train with sewage steerage.  Front sections more luxurious.
Video game plot.  In order to advance, hero must overcome obstacles.
 

 
Generous amount of action, though film way too long (slightly over 2 hours), with tiresome monologues.
Aimed at what audience?  Twelve year old boys?
Though even at that age I would have wondered:  How come the train never runs out of fuel, water, food?  How come it never breaks down?  How come tracks - the world under sheets of ice - never need repair?  How do compartments stay warm?  Are there showers, soap?  Where do folks get (obviously) new clothes?
The train itself, as our hero advances, grows larger and larger.
Utterly preposterous.
 

Cleanskin - 2012 - UK

Cleanskin - 2012 - 6/10
 

 
Sean Bean portrays hardened government op. Charlotte Rampling his boss.
Assignment: track down home grown terrorists (cleanskins), doing suicide bombings in London.
Other narrative tracks the recruitment and enlistment of an angry young man into a terror cell.
Violent fare with a few twists, stalemates.
Well made, albeit uncomfortable, film.

Snow Queen - 2002

Snow Queen - 2002 - 6/10

 
Nice Winter movie with no holiday overtones.
Bridget Fonda plays the icy Snow Queen to perfection.
The narrative involves a young girl pursuing her boyfriend who has been "taken" by the Snow Queen.
At three hours, the movie is too long, and visits to "Spring," "Summer," and "Autumn" are little more than childish comic relief.
Worth watching for Fonda and her brittle performance, but this would be better chiseled to two hours or less.
Fonda’s last performance to date.

The Man Who Invented Christmas - 2017 - UK

The Man Who Invented Christmas - 2017 - 6/10

 
Fabricated confection imagines how Charles Dickens came to write "A Christmas Carol."
Stray facts mixed with literary license and a heavy dollop of treacle.
Dickens' marriage is still rather happy at this time, though his wife's fecundity causes financial strain.
A couple literary flops does not help matters, either.
The film effectively shows how writers file away stray comments, interesting events, details.
Other elements are eye rolling fluff.
Not necessarily a holiday movie, it is definitely feel good material.
Christopher Plummer is a sardonic Scrooge.  Dan Stevens tolerable as Dickens.

Camera Store - 2017 - USA

Camera Store - 2017 - 6/10

 
1994, Christmas Eve day.  Amateur hour for procrastinating shoppers.
Set inside a mall back when malls were popular and people still bought film rolls.
Change is in the air, however.  Digital.
The two burnouts who run the dying store have squandered their ideas, their dreams, their youth.
Despite some acid dialogue, this Yule timed yarn is devoid of good will toward men.
Christmas, mean spirited and most unmerry.
Production screams theatre play.

Secret Agent X-9 - 1945 - USA

Secret Agent X-9 - 1945 - 7/10

 
Thirteen part Universal serial with Lloyd Bridges, Jan Wiley and Keye Luke.
Action takes place on Shadow Island, only independent "nation" in the China Sea.
Nest of spies, agents, saboteurs, criminals, gamblers.
Japanese - Nazis - Aussies - Chinese - Yanks know who is who and clash accordingly.
Plot revolves around the Japanese pursuit of 722.  The Allies have no idea what that is, but they are determined to discover and thwart.
Fairly realistic, as far as serials go. No jokes, no comic elements. Cold blooded killings occur.
Much of the story occurs at night, so most scenes are dark. Few cheats.

Scatter My Ashes At Bergdorf’s - 2013

Scatter My Ashes At Bergdorf’s - 2013 - 6/10

 
Sometimes you sit through films selected by other team members because it’s Christmas.
Other times you’re a lazy fool.
High sheen, congratulatory documentary on glittering, high priced department store catering to the very rich.
Stunning to look at, though prices never shown (it is revealed a good sales clerk - excuse me, personal buyer - can earn $400,000 - $500,000 a year).
Much attention is given to the annual holiday display windows.
Everyone is either an employee, a designer whose fashions are there, or a designer who wishes their fashion line to get picked up.
Balanced documentary?  Not so much.
Hyper-consumerism porn.

Murder At Christmas - 2014

Murder At Christmas - 2014 - 6/10

 
During Yule revels, Joanna Yeates, a bubbly, sunshine in a bottle lass, disappears in Bristol.
Surveillance cameras capture most of her movements on 17 December, on into her flat.
Her body was found Christmas Day, strangled.
Lightweight documentary poorly captures details or motivations.
Explanations for the culprit are sketchy.
Sad, especially considering the season, but oddly indifferent.
Not mentioned was the shockingly awful press coverage.

Amalfi: Rewards Of The Goddess - 2009 - Japan

Amalfi: Rewards Of The Goddess - 2009 - 6/10
AKA - Amarufi: Megami no hôshû / アマルフィ 女神の報酬

 
Touristy thriller follows Japanese diplomat Kuroda as he helps prepare for G8 summit in Italy.
He gets sidetracked when a small girl is kidnapped.  Distractingly so.  The mother, who was art-gazing instead of watching her daughter is over emotional, antagonistic, and irresponsible.
I pity the diplomat and kept thinking,  “She wants to go it alone, let her.”
The film cannot escape its television roots, despite spectacular photography.  It feels like a two part series.
First hour pursues the kidnapping, the second broadens into conspiracy.
The photography, by the way, is stunning.  Picture postcard of Italy - minus those pesky tourists.
When did they film?  5:00 - 6:00 AM?
Enjoyable, though lightweight.
I never figured out what the “goddess" of the translated title meant.
There were no Greco-Roman deities, no plus sized women.
Events occurred during the Christmas season, so this might be an alternative for jaded holiday viewers.
Oh yeah - Sarah Brightman alert.  “Time To Say Goodbye” . . . twice.

Marianne - 2019 - France

Marianne - 2019 - 6/10

 
French series tiptoes a thin line between the horror labyrinth and Young Adult.
Enfante terrible, novelist Emma, returns to her small hometown after a harrowing in-store event.
For years she has channeled her demons into best selling novels of a witch.
Only the witch may not be merely her imagination, but a malevolence gathering strength.
Emma is one of the most toxic characters you will likely encounter.
She is also a classic jinx, tainting all within her sphere.
In real life, you would shun her, or she would be a successful politician.
Horrific moments, along with exasperating ones.