Cthulhu In Salem - 2047 - R'lyeh

Cthulhu In Salem - 2047 - 5/10

 
A hazing ritual gone bad, an initiation taken too far.
Stultus Fortis fraternity pleads accident. Behind the smiles, “accidentally on purpose.”
Bound and blindfolded, pledges were submerged in freezing waters.
One was held under until his lungs filled. His last gasp, however, was “Fanglue muggle calla you relay wha-fatgen.”
Afterward, frat members – and girlfriends – die or disappear mysteriously.
The blotched rendition of the classic “Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn” is one of numerous errors.
Warning:  This is a variation on “The Shadow Over Innsmouth” and NOT “The Call Of Cthulhu”.
Also, Innsmouth is transplanted to Salem.  Either producers did not know HPL or did not care.
Actors from a local college.  Hockey team and Phi Pi Phi girls.
Effects surprisingly good.  Fog for mist, creatures backlit or shadowed.  Eerie music and sound field.
Derivative story is, yet pacing is crisp and tension builds.  One can see why this is a hit on the Dark web.
Acolytes?  Cthulhu is never seen nor mentioned.

The Ruins Of Rhia - 2047 - R'lyeh

The Ruins Of Rhia - 2047 - 6/10

 
It started as a midterm assignment, it started with an A I misunderstanding.
Chuck (AKA - Chucksteak), on athletic scholarship, registers for Archeology 101.
His professor tells him to locate and diagram Rhia, which the class gamers snicker at.
Completely out of his depth, Chuck asks “Madam”, his A I tutor to contact and resurrect Rayla.
“Do you mean R’lyeh?”  it prompts.  “Sure, Madam, whatever.”
The computer links to the university network.  Powered by a small reactor in the Science Dept, it then uplinks to SpaceX, and thousands of small energy beacons focus on the South Pacific.
47°9'S 126°43'W.  R’leyh.
Seas blacken, then waters grow turbulent, while Madam continues to hurl energy at an alarming rate.
Fairly good Cthulhu yarn has imaginative premise, ingenious models, and is strongly plotted until two thirds in.
Then everything ebbs.  New characters appear with the Peruvian Navy (Peru provided funding).
One gathers at a certain point, backers were going, “Now what?”
Doesn’t help that two actors were murdered, one committed suicide, one was kidnapped.

The Wet Pit Below - 2047 - R'lyeh

The Wet Pit Below - 2047 - 4/10

Clara and Fred, along with Sue and Butch, are driving cross country.
They plan to make it BIG in Hollywood.  Major film, indie film, TV or porn.
While Clara and Fred milk the snake enroute, Sue and Butch trail in the second car.
Less groping and stroking from this couple, who serve to narrate proceedings.
In Arkansas, a repo man seizes one vehicle, so they detour off the main route to avoid another seizure.

 
Where their vehicle breaks down in the abandoned hamlet called America’s Dream.
Clara and Fred (cousins or siblings?) find a cobwebbed house with clean sheets.
Meanwhile, Sue and Butch explore the basement, finding a damp stone pit with ladder rungs.
Descending – for five padded minutes! – only to find a second well, and where their incessant talking rouses the dreaming deity below.

 
Dread Cthulhu!
Who does not like its naptime disturbed.  Worse, is infuriated that it is in Arkansas.
Grade-D sleazy mess from the Pepper Brothers has dismal production values, repetitive Casio score, and what can only be called “experimental” camera work.
Acting talent?  Please!  Although Clara (Misty Moss?) is easy on the eyes and noisily enthusiastic.
For Cthulhu completists who think they’ve seen it all, a shoddy Cthulhu porno.

Blood Tide At Suicide Reef - 2047 - R’lyeh

Blood Tide At Suicide Reef - 2047 - 6/10

The rumor starts.  Little more than a suspicion.
Then the underground goes wild, news spreading like an infection.
A new reef appears in the south Pacific.  Huge swells crashing against a rising atoll.
Despite shark sightings, adventurous souls race to be among the first.
The initial wave of surfers disappear.  Surfers, boards, jet skis, support crews, swallowed by churning seas.

 
Nevertheless, waves prove irresistible.  Tight curls in the north, towering breakers in the south.
Polynesian outriggers arrive.  A few come to take money from decadent Westerners.  Others carry drums.
Surfers name it, Suicide Reef.  One notes the coordinates, 47 9’ S, 123 43’ W, and whispers, R’lyeh.
And, as more landmass continues to breach, strange, incongruous structures grow visible.
Docu-horror mixes extreme sport surfing with unbelievable footage of shark attacks.
Not only riding the waves, but aerial assaults on bronzed humans.
That said, the undersea footage leaves a lot to be desired, owing to cloudy waters.
What we see are congregations of sharks, thousands of octopi, squids, and, beneath the murk, tentacles of vast size.

Chupacabra Zombies Vs Wicked Nuns Vs Cthulhu - 2047 - R’lyeh

Chupacabra Zombies Vs Wicked Nuns Vs Cthulhu - 2047 - 7/10

 
Following rampant global warming, the chupacabra population explodes!
Worse, when killed, they revive, hungrier than ever.
Livestock is annihilated, pets disappear, small humans become unhappy meals.
A desperate group of moles evacadores (wall tunnelers) seek refuge in a sinister, fortified nunnery north of Ensenada.
Las Hermanas de Palo Mayombe.
As the gruesome siege whittles their numbers, the sisterhood misconstrue a Santerian chant and accidentally invoke the dread Lord of R’lyeh.
Awesome Cthulhu (who hates the over-used “awesome” word, by the way).
Harlequin Film’s first foray into Horror boasts jaw-dropping special effects.
Cthulhu, churning from the Pacific Ocean, capsizing cruise liners, unforgettable!
Cthulhu’s hundreds of tentacles squeezing pudgy, pleading passengers until their heads pop off, nightmare!
On the other hand, the de rigueur romance storyline is preposterous!
Horny young nun (who wears a habit but no bra) and the way-too-cute pizza delivery guy?  Really?
How does the Pepperoni Kid peddle his bicycle through ravenous chupacabras?  With a stack of pizzas?
Producers must assume if viewers buy that, they will buy anything.

Dokument: Unterwasser Festung R'lyeh - 2047 - R'lyeh

Dokument:  Unterwasser Festung R'lyeh - 2047 - 8/10
AKA - Document: Underwater Fortress R'lyeh

Tantalizing what-if footnote in World War II history.
Between October and December 1944, the HMS Helford, frigate in the South Pacific, discovered wreckage of a German submarine, U-603.
To this day, anything related to the incident remains classified by the Admiralty.
Such as, what was a British frigate doing in the South Pacific?  Aside from its commander (Charles George Cuthbertson), nothing is known of HMS Helford.

 
Fortunately, recently unearthed materials near Wewelsburg Castle provide a glimpse into the German side of the mystery.
U-603, reported missing in February 1944, had been sent midway between New Zealand and the southern tip of South America.
Aside from crew and Kapitän Hans-Joachim Bertelsmann, there were two scientists, an anthropologist, an archaeologist, a linguist, and Obergruppenführer Reinhard Heydrich, reported to have been assassinated in 1942.
By 1944, the war was going badly for Germany, but this unit was following clues written by a reclusive Rhode Island scholar.  Supposedly, there were undersea ruins and a force of unspeakable power at the coordinates 48°52.6′S 123°23.6′W.
In the vast nowhere of the South Pacific, the area was known as R'lyeh.

Apparently, U-603 found the ruins, titanic in scale.  A yawning entrance, equally immense, appeared to descend.
According to the dive team, within the structures were compartments, inexplicably dry.
That, and there was "something."

 
The final transmission from the u-boat indicated that Heydrich and specialists were going into the ruins, with the intent of subduing and controlling the "something" that had been found.
At that point, the documentary sidesteps into a trove of speculation, theories and nonsensical, Cassandra like warnings that become ludicrously far-fetched.  And tiresome.
This is packed with newsreel footage, maps, vintage radio messages, superb drawings, a few reenactments, and a gallery of talking heads.
The first 3/4 of this is outstanding.  The final twenty minutes were, frankly, preposterous.
I docked my score a point for that.  That said, I added a point for the sheer incongruity in the producers choice of narrator:  Robin Leach.
A sample of the prose, delivered in his over the top voice,  "... deeper into the ghastly, gargantuan chapel of grotesqueries and grim menace ..."  or  "... as a coruscating crescendo splashed flames into minds shattered by the crepuscular crypt poised over the chasm of ..."
Pure lunacy, and a must-see documentary!

Death Diner Disciples - 2047 - R'lyeh

Death Diner Disciples - 2047 - 6/10

 

 

“… The roadside diner, tattered remnant of the American Dream, now fading into twilight.
Not your ordinary diner, either, this is set 200 yards off State Route 101, accessible though an overgrown dirt track.
Behind the cafe, beyond the trees, lies the South Bay, breeding home for things best left unspoken.
Tonight, especially tonight, the unwary are drawn in.
A double date, two loud males who intend to plunder the innocence of their college dates.
Their giggling victims, wide eyed and smiling, are a murderous duo, having butchered a dozen in as many months.
Pastor Calvin, expelled by his flock for drunkenness, marches west, ever west.
Delia, fleeing a final police summons, backpacks into the woods, towards the darkening skies.
Finally, the lost traveler, Vincent Davies, architect, taking a shortcut … into Hell.
For tonight … is Samhain.”

So goes the opening narration for this el cheapo.
(To my mind, producers ought to have hired a Rod Serling voice impersonator.)
After the opening, black vehicles arrive and numerous robed individuals emerge.
Acolytes of, yeah, you guessed it, Cthulhu.
Very busy narrative with 36 different plots.  Don’t even try to keep up.
Acting is grade C, the script seems written by attention deficit disordered minds, and there are audio sync problems. 
Not to mention insane logical errors.
Like, all of a sudden the diner has electrical power?
Or, the diner, nestled in an overgrown thicket, relocates to the shore line?  How?
Terrible across the board.
I would rate this lower, but for the untimely ends of the film participants, and for urban legends regarding those who disrespect M. Cthulhu.

Godzilla Vs Cthulhu - 2047 - R’lyeh

Godzilla Vs Cthulhu - 2047 - 7/10

 
Cranky lizard with paint peeling breath confronts the tentacled lord of R’lyeh.
Somnambulant buildup of greedy developers trying to seize a small, impoverished seaside monastery.
(Ever notice developers are always greedy, always bullying poor folks?)
Valiantly, the Sisters Of Graceful Tides hold a music concert to raise funds.
Shonen Knife, screeching a cover version of Blue Öyster Cult’s “Godzilla,” icurs the wrath of Godzilla who always hated the chorus.  Squawking and flaming, he crashes ashore.
Then, as terrified screams and howls somehow fuse into "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn," you guessed it, dread Cthulhu heaves from the waves.
At this point, the Japanese fondness for hentai results in truly horrifying erotic grappling, which will not be elaborated upon further.
The pace hits overdrive and action roars nonstop.  Yakuza hitmen arrive, as well as vegan mercenaries on Vespa scooters, nude nuns with knives, parachuting Russian bodybuilders, a squad of over-sexed female lifeguards, and an annoying old alcoholic woman in a squeaking wheelchair.
Red hot flames - roasted brains - blood oath claims - gangbang chains - putrid stains
In other words - absolute must see classic!

Trilogy Of Perils Unknown - 2047 - R'lyeh

Trilogy Of Perils Unknown - 2047 - 7/10

Three part anthology film launches in the subterranean depths.
The vast Vatican library descends lower and lower, from modern works to ancient grimoires to scrolls.

 
Mordecai, acquirer for hire, finds and appropriates the allegedly apocryphal, “De Tribus Impostoribus.”
Once banned as heretical by the Catholic hierarchy, the hierarchy later declared the work a hoax.
Except Mordecai’s client, the Deep State, knows otherwise.
Second chapter shifts next to high adventure!   Deep in the Himalayas.
A ruined empire, a civilization in loathsome decay.  The prize, the journals of Prestor John.
Indiana Jones buffs will love this section!
The tone darkens in the final section as the Deep State saddles Mordecai with three “helpers.”
A tramp steamer, manned by mutes, sails to 47°9′S 126°43′W in the South Pacific, and then waits.
Days elapse, the sea is glass, until a predicted alignment occurs, whereupon the waters boil and a jagged isle rises.

 
Devotees of R’lyeh can foretell the potential slaughter once the dreaming lord rouses.
Leaving Mordecai trapped between the omnipotent state and unleashed terror,
Film offers something for everyone, though the transitions could be better, and the ending is disheartening.

Campaign In Aghartha - 2047 - R'lyeh

Campaign In Aghartha - 2047 - 7/10

Ignoring the briefings of military advisors, a deranged national leader declares war on the Underworld.
Not crime syndicates, not the Yakuza, Triads, Mafia, Bratva, drug cartels, Spectre.
Rather, the Hollow Earth.
Vowing to “secure border security” (sic), the great one orders a division of Spelunk Marines to the polar opening, guarded from time immemorial by descendents of Pangaea.
The narrative (stupidly) lags to permit pointless dalliances between younger Marines and a clutch of haunting Pangaean maidens, who prophesy doom.
Thankfully, a grisly encounter with the first guardian marks the onset of numerous “dooms.”

 
Blood and bullets ensue, along with unbelievable gore.  Entrails and tentacles.
Imaginative (and highly troubling) photography bathe this sequence (NOT for the squeamish).
Observant viewers will notice a gradual softening and darkening of landscapes from this time onward.
The Marines push deeper, confront the even older civilization of Aghartha.
Since none there understand English, soldiers begin shooting.
Not before priests, however, implore the god they worship, the dread lord of R’lyeh.

 
Military tactics confront annihilation.
Beheadings, dismemberment on a mass scale, incredibly realistic, I might add.
The plot, if one is charitable enough to term it such, becomes incoherent.
Special note must be paid to the sound design, in particular the low frequencies.
Many sequences were all but silent, though the subwoofers throbbed like mad, evoking an almost palpable foreboding.
(In the audio commentary, the director noted the eerie look was achieved using hundreds of hanging paper lanterns.)

Elvis Vs Cthulhu - 2047 - R'lyeh

Elvis Vs Cthulhu - 2047 - 7/10

 
Everyone’s favorite villains, property developers, are at it again.
Their target this time is the Black Sands Orphanage!  In breathtaking Hawaii.
After the board of directors decline multiple offers, the developers meet on the beach at midnight and invoke dread Cthulhu.  They beg the Great One to destroy the orphanage, devour the children, and leave the black sands red with blood.
Three pretty counselors, Julie, Jackie, and Jennie, all wearing matching white go-go boots, call for a hero.
Elvis.
The King arrives, forty years after his disappearance, and true to his Southern roots, he knows how to wield a chainsaw.
Between relentless battles, he manages to romance each lovely lady and sing classic songs such as:
“Tentacles Of Love,”  “Stand Against The Shadow Of Time,”  and  “Beach Barbeque Rumble.”
A winner!
Don’t miss the closing credits where the Lord Of R’lyeh vows to return while the King sings  “Bop bop a lula, gonna pop ya Cthulhu.”